Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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