Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
