We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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