Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
