i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
