I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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