"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
