i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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