just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
