talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She told me I should be a condom model.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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