i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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