Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
