I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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