I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
