There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I need a burrito and a hug.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
