trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
