Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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