is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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