So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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