If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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