I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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