I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
