its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
