My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
false alarm, still single
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