i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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