we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
