I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
