First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
