Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
