You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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