im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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