you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
