i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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