Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
