Is it because I queefed?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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