Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
