In the future we'll all be gay
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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