Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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