the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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