bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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