I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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