When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
