I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
In other news, I just burned my penis
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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