I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
