Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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