After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
