I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
