I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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