Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
