I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
