Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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