i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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